Here at Indiana University, I’m part of a program called the GLB Speakers Bureau. As the website for this program explains,
The Speakers Bureau consists of volunteers who are willing to speak about their lives and experiences. A panel may range in number from two to six or more, representing all sexualities whenever possible. Heterosexual volunteers may also be present on panels. This may depend on the specific focus or request of an instructor or professor.
I’ve only been participating for a few months, but I’ve noticed a few questions popping up again and again. I’ve decided to include a selection of the most common questions, with my answers, below. I’ll continue to edit and add to this resource, and if you have questions you’d like to see included here, please toss it me an email by clicking here.
The QUILTBAG Frequently Asked Questions Department:
My self-introduction typically goes like this:
My name is Jenna McWilliams, and I’m a doctoral student in the Learning Sciences Program, which is a program within the School of Education. I identify as genderqueer, which is about my gender identity, and as queer or gay, which is about my orientation. I don’t typically use the word “lesbian” to refer to myself for reasons we can go into if you’re interested.
My girlfriend tells me that if someone asks how I realized I was gay, I should ask them how they realized they were straight. Sort of weird, right? But instead of asking how you realized you were straight, I’ll just tell you when I realized something was different about me.
I was first aware that something was different about me when I was 11 years old, but I spent almost 20 years running from it. I’m 33 years old and I tried to come out twice when I was in my twenties but ran back into the closet both times. Then I came out for real and for good about two and a half years ago. The process of coming out was, and still is, incredibly painful and difficult for me. I still feel a lot of shame and self-loathing at times, but I’m getting better and better at facing it and responding in healthy ways.
Now for your questions!
What does ‘genderqueer’ mean?
I think it means different things to different people, but here’s what it means to me: I was born a biological female, but when I was a kid, I often didn’t know which pronouns applied ot me—whether I was a he/him/his or a she/her/hers. I was sometimes confused about which restroom or locker room I was supposed to use, and I worried all the time that people would call me out for pretending I was a girl. But I also didn’t identify as a boy, and I knew that I was technically female. The gender binary—if you have a vagina, you’re a girl; if you have a penis, you’re a boy; and there’s nothing in between—didn’t and doesn’t fit with my experience of gender. So I use the term ‘genderqueer’ to mark that I don’t identify with the gender binary and to give myself and other people space to explore and challenge the binary code of gender.
My gender identity is separate from my orientation, but they each also impact the other in some ways. I hope someone will ask me about that.
How does your gender identity affect how you think about your sexual orientation, and vice versa?
I don’t like the word ‘lesbian’ for a couple of reasons. One reason is that because of my gender identity, the term as we understand it doesn’t really feel like it applies to my experience—even though I’m a biological female who is attracted to biological females. Another reason is that I don’t like the way the term ‘lesbian’ has been taken up in our heteronormative culture. It’s often used to sexualize queer women, to turn them into objects of attraction for straight men. This predates me and predates all of us, actually, and there’s not a whole love I can do about it except to refuse to use a term that feels really fraught and problematic.
I also have never understood why we have two different, gendered terms for queerness when we basically only have one for straight culture: You’re either a straight woman or a straight man, whereas men and women are separated out as “gays” and “lesbians.” To me, that feels a little bit like the waiter/waitress or councilman / councilwoman divide: Unless there’s a reason to identify gender, I don’t think we need different terms. We’re certainly not going to get the whole queer community to start referring to themselves as “lesbians,” so I’m happy with the terms “queer” and “gay.”
Do you think homosexuality is genetic?
I’m going to answer this question and then explain why it’s a problematic question for us to ask.
I do think there’s growing evidence of a genetic component that factors into orientation, and I think this is true across the orientation spectrum. But I don’t think anybody’s sexual orientation is set in stone at birth. I think some people are born gay or bisexual or straight or something in between, and I think cultural factors play a role in determining what and who we are attracted to.
I also have an identical twin sister who is currently dating a biological male. We were born with exactly the same DNA, and somehow we were able to develop attractions to very different people.
But here’s why I find this question problematic: Because the rhetoric around the genetics of sexuality has worked against the queer community. It takes away the choice, and therefore the agency, of orientation and attraction. We may not be able to choose what we’re attracted to, but we can choose who to be with. That’s the real point: Not that people in the GLBTQ community were born this way but that we have the right, just like everybody else, to choose our partners and to choose how to express our sexuality and sexual orientation.
How do you think being genderqueer and gay has affected or will affect your career?
I work in the public school system, which means that I have to be really careful about how I present myself. I’m lucky to be currently working with one teacher who’s an enormous ally, but I’ve also worked with or met teachers, administrators, other researchers, and parents who are a lot less awesome. I am really careful about not looking ‘too gay ‘when I go into the classroom, because I want to be able to continue working in public schools and I don’t want others’ prejudices to get in the way of that.
But I also don’t want to ever “pass” as straight when I walk into a school. Especially for any kids who are struggling with issues of orientation or identity—but also for any teachers, parents, administrators, or other researchers—I want to make sure to signal not only my queerness but my comfort with my orientation. I don’t ever want any kid ever to wonder if I’m trying to hide my gayness, and I don’t want to ever give any kid or adult an extra excuse to express prejudice. Maybe a teacher will think twice about how s/he talks about sexuality and identity while I’m in the classroom. Maybe a kid, queer or not, will start to wonder about non-normative orientations and the stories our culture tells about them.
What in the world does ‘QUILTBAG’ mean?
QUILTBAG is short for:
Queer/Questioning
Unisex / Undecided
Intersex
Lesbian
Transgender / Transsexual
Bisexual
Allied / Asexual
Gay / Genderqueer
Okay, so why don’t you just say “LGBTQ” or something so people know what in godsname you’re talking about?
Should I say LGBTQ? GLBTQ? LGB? GLBTI? GLBTQI?
Sure–any of those would be fine. At least we’d be able to figure out what you’re trying to say.
Maybe, but none of those acronyms really capture the essence of what I’m going for: A word for all (or at least most) non-normative orientations. I like QUILTBAG because it feels more inclusive, less selective. And I like the image: A big old patchwork bag made out of any old scrap of cloth.
