Posts Tagged ‘gay rights’

In case you were wondering about my position on marriage equality

This week the U.S. Supreme Court hears two cases about marriage equality. Today it’s Prop 8; tomorrow it’s DOMA.

In case you were wondering, here’s how I feel about the fight to extend marriage benefits to all couples regardless of sexual orientation:

I think the LGBT rights movement is far too fixated on this issue, at the expense of some other really important issues that need our attention. I think marriage remains an institution of questionable economic and social value, and one that’s steeped in racism, classism, and religious bias. Even if extended to all individuals regardless of sexual orientation / identity, it would remain a deeply heterosexist institution.But jeezy goddam chreezy, friends–there is just no good reason to limit anyone’s access to marriage, if that’s what they want for their lives. So cut it the crap out, is my position.

And as soon as this issue gets resolved, we get to move on to the more pressing issues that need our attention. So the sooner marriage equality is attained, imho, the better for everybody.

It Gets Better: the LGBTQ Pride Film Festival, Dead Poets Society and Stephen Schwartz’s “Testimony”

When I was 12 years old, I went with my family to see the Robin Williams movie Dead Poets Society. One of the movie’s main characters is a troubled, sensitive teenager whose actions are controlled by his overbearing father. Here’s the description, pulled from Wikipedia, of one of the key events of the film (warning: contains spoilers):

Without his father’s knowledge, he auditions for the role of Puck in a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. His father finds out and orders Neil to withdraw. Neil asks Keating for advice and is advised to talk to his father and make him understand how he feels, but Neil cannot muster the courage to do so. Instead he goes against his father’s wishes. His father shows up at the end of the play, furious. He takes Neil home and tells him that he intends to enroll him in a military school to prepare him for Harvard University and a career in medicine. Unable to cope with the future that awaits him or to make his father understand his feelings, Neil commits suicide.

It’s hard for me to put into words how powerfully I reacted to Neil’s story. Twelve-year-old me, tortured by a constant feeling that I was different, that I was wrong, felt a deep connection to Neil. It was right around this time that I realized I was gay; that realization was paired with a certainty that I would have to hide my gayness from the world for my entire life. I felt in Neil a queerness that matched the queerness growing inside me.

So, when Neil chose suicide, my heart broke for both of us. I sobbed through the final minutes of the movie, cried quietly in the car, then slunk off to my room to cry in privacy for god knows how long.

Last night, at this year’s LGBTQ Pride Film Festival, the Quarryland Men’s Chorus performed a song by Stephen Schwartz called “Testimony.” It’s a song written in response to the “It Gets Better” Project, and although there’s no footage that I know of yet from the Quarryland performance, I’m including a video of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus singing the song.

Watching this performance last night, I was brought powerfully back to my experience of watching Dead Poets Society, sitting in the dark, surrounded by my family and very much alone. It gets better, I’m happy to report. It gets amazing. But I didn’t know that at the time. At the time I only knew that I couldn’t be what I knew I was. At the time I only knew that I didn’t know how to live inside myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

National Coming Out Day: Smash ALL the closets.

Yesterday, Oct. 11, was National Coming Out Day. I made this image in honor of the event:

Then, on Facebook, I posted this:

I really do believe in the importance of people coming out as LGBTQI allies. If queer and questioning folks who are afraid to come out know that they are surrounded by people who will love and support them and will try to keep them safe, they are far more likely to come out, and stay out. I say this not only as a queer myself #smashALLtheclosets but as a queer who, out of fear, stayed closeted for decades.

Dudes, I knew I was gay. I knew it when I was 11 years old. I knew it, knew it without a doubt, and I believed I had to hide it from everyone, and I spent 20 years trying to make myself straight. I spent 20 years feeling like a total fake, 20 years feeling miserable and sad and alone. I can’t tell you how lonely it was, all those years I spent sitting in that dark lonely closet.

This is the thing that I think is hard for people to understand. If you have this huge secret that you’re trying to hold on to, you can’t afford to let anyone get close to you because there’s this whole part of you that you have to cordon off and protect. This isn’t just about romantic relationships–you can’t have close friends, either, because what if they find out? And your friends, no matter how awesome they are, no matter how close you feel with them, will never never really understand you because you have to keep this piece of you, this really fucking important piece of you, buried deep inside.

Anyway, here’s something awesome that happened for National Coming Out Day: All of my immediate family members changed their Facebook profile pictures to this:

My entire immediate family. My mom and my sisters. They all, independently, without me asking them to, changed their photo to an LGBTQI Ally badge. Because they’re awesome. And because they love and support me.

I’m critical of the well known “It Gets Better” video campaign, for lots of reasons. (1. It presents a white, middle class, upwardly mobile picture of queerness, which means it exercises its own form of oppression on nonwhite, non-middle class, rural queer and questioning youth. 2. It avoids pushing people to take responsibility to make it better, and treats bullying as if it’s just the gauntlet that we all have to run, instead of loudly proclaiming that bullies suck big-time and it’s the responsibility of anyone who’s willing and able to fight bullies with everything they have. 3. It paints a picture of queerness as ‘just like straightness except with different body parts,’ which I think is not only inaccurate but also problematic because it erases the experiences and needs of non-mainstream queers.) But my frustration with the “It Gets Better” campaign has nothing to do with the campaign’s primary message.

It does get better, you guys. It gets so much better. Like, better than I ever imagined it could get. When I was that scared, closeted kid, I truly believed I would just never be happy. I believed I would never fall in love–I believed I was incapable of love. I believed there was something broken inside me that made love, and joy, and happiness impossible for me.

And I was wrong. I’m not broken. Well, at least no more broken than we all are. And I think that no matter what happened after I came out, I would still have found myself capable of experiencing love, joy, and happiness. Even if my family had disowned me and my friends had walked away. But my family and friends have largely chosen to stay. And yesterday, my immediate family members, independently and without any prompting from me, chose to publicly show their support for me and for other LGBTQI folks. Which is pretty goddam awesome.

Thanks, guys. You’re pretty great and I love you a lot.

 

Why I won’t be at the Chick Fil-A counterprotest

…and why you can’t win for losing, these days.

A bunch of queerfolks around the world plan on queerin’ up Chick Fil-A today as a counterprotest to “Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day” (aka: “take a stand against those fags”).

I won’t be participating.

This is one of those instances of small groups of like-minded people stepping up on public platforms and talking directly at themselves. People who hate gays enough to spend thousands of dollars to bus people to a fast food restaurant don’t care what a bunch of queer activists have to say. And queers who are angry enough to mobilize around a counterprotest…well, you’ll forgive them if they don’t care to listen to anything a group of homophobes has to say.

Protests work when they change opinions. Political demonstrations work best when they show the world that more people than anybody previously believed care about x or want to change y. In this case, though, media coverage of Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day is going to outshine the simple fact that Chick Fil-A has dropped in general public popularity in the days following its COO’s announcement that it opposes gay marriage and, well, gays in general:

I imagine the popularity drop was only partially about Dan Cathy’s anti-gay marriage stance, since it has been known for a while now that Chick Fil-A money was being directed to anti-gay organizations like Exodus International. I suspect that people are just annoyed that politics has officially marred their enjoyment of what is by many accounts a really good chicken sandwich.

I guess another nice side effect of political protest, as a friend and coworker just now noted to me, is the ability to connect with like-minded folks. I bet that’s going to be awesome, the meeting and connecting with like-minded folks. But in my neck of the woods, protesters plan to hang out at the KFC just down the street. You guys, KFC got a mediocre rating–45 out of 100–on the Human Rights Campaign’s Equality Index report. And Greenpeace International reports that KFC is one of several companies complicit in destruction of our rain forests.

I guess you can’t win for losing, these days.

dharun ravi found guilty of most charges in bullying case

A few weeks ago, in response to a call by danah boyd and John Palfrey for the public to stop bullying Dharun Ravi, I argued that public sentiment regarding Dharun Ravi was an appropriate reaction to Ravi’s vile and hateful behavior toward his gay roommate, Tyler Clementi. You may remember that Clementi was a gay Rutgers University freshman who committed suicide after Ravi, his roommate, had boasted about setting up his computer’s webcam to watch Clementi’s sexual encounters with another man.

Here’s the issue: boyd and Palfrey argued that since we didn’t yet know all the facts surrounding the Ravi case, it was unfair and inappropriate to judge him. They argued that we needed to wait until the discovery phase of Ravi’s trial, and perhaps even the trial itself, was completed. I argued that the public knew enough about the incident to respond, and that the public response–outrage and disgust–marked positive movement in social sentiment surrounding LGBTQ people and issues.

Well, the trial is complete, and Dharun Ravi was found guilty of most of the charges, including at least one count of bias intimidation–a hate crime under New Jersey statutes. He will serve at least up to 10 years in prison and may be deported to his native India upon his release.

The verdict doesn’t change much for me, although I didn’t really expect Ravi to be found guilty on the hate crime charges. It’s hard to prove bigotry, even when the perpetrator is directly involved in violence against an individual. I’m glad Ravi was convicted, because his conviction is further proof that our society is moving in the right direction on civil rights issues.

And I wonder what the conviction means for people who urged us to wait until we knew all the facts. Do they think the conviction changes how we should think and talk about the Clementi/Ravi case? Since the court has ruled that Ravi is guilty of a hate crime, does that retroactively change the public “bullying” of Ravi into appropriate outrage for an act of prejudice?

 

I’ve included a breakdown of the list of charges and the verdicts on each below.

 

THE VERDICT BREAKDOWN

Here are all the counts against Dharun Ravi and a breakdown of the decisions rendered today in the Rutgers webcam spying trial in New Brunswick. Each verdict will be posted here as soon as possible, so please refresh the page frequently.

COUNT 1
4th Degree Invasion of Privacy, related to Tyler Clementi: GUILTY
4th Degree Invasion of Privacy, related to Clementi’s guest, M.B.: GUILTY
(Observed Clementi/M.B. in sexual contact without their consent on Sept. 19)

If Guilty, jury proceeds to count 2; if Not Guilty, jury skips count 2 and proceeds to count 3

COUNT 2
3rd Degree Bias Intimidation
(For 4th Degree Invasion of Privacy charge on Sept. 19)

• Invasion of Privacy with the purpose to intimidate Tyler Clementi because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy with the purpose to intimidate M.B. because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause Tyler Clementi to be intimidated because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause M.B. to be intimidated because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, under circumstances that caused Tyler Clementi to be intimidated, and considering the manner in which the offense was committed, Clementi reasonably believed that he was selected to be the target of the offense because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

COUNT 3
3rd Degree Invasion of Privacy, related to Tyler Clementi: GUILTY
3rd Degree Invasion of Privacy, related to M.B.: GUILTY
(Activated webcam so other people could view Clementi/M.B. in sexual contact on Sept 19.)

If Guilty, jury proceeds to count 4; if Not Guilty, jury skips count 4 and proceeds to count 5

COUNT 4
2nd Degree Bias Intimidation
(For 3rd Degree Invasion of Privacy charge on Sept. 19)

• Invasion of Privacy, with the purpose to intimidate Tyler Clementi because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, with the purpose to intimidate M.B. because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause Tyler Clementi to be intimidated because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause M.B. to be intimidated, because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, under circumstances that caused Tyler Clementi to be intimidated, and considering the manner in which the offense was committed, Clementi reasonably believed that he was selected to be the target of the offense because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

COUNT 5
4th Degree Attempted Invasion of Privacy, related to Tyler Clementi: GUILTY
4th Degree Attempted Invasion of Privacy, related to M.B.: GUILTY
(Tried to observe Clementi/M.B. in sexual contact without their consent on Sept. 21)

If Guilty, jury proceeds to count 6; if Not Guilty, jury skips count 6 and proceeds to count 7

COUNT 6
3rd Degree Bias Intimidation
(For 4th Degree Invasion of Privacy charge on Sept. 21)

• Invasion of Privacy, with the purpose to intimidate Tyler Clementi because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

• Invasion of Privacy, with the purpose to intimidate M.B. because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause Tyler Clementi to be intimated because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause M.B. to be intimidated because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, under circumstances that caused Tyler Clementi to be intimidated, and considering the manner in which the offense was committed, Clementi reasonably believed that he was selected to be the target of the offense because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

COUNT 7
3rd Degree Attempted Invasion of Privacy, related to Tyler Clementi: GUILTY
3rd Degree Attempted Invasion of Privacy, related to M.B.: GUILTY
(Tried to show Clementi/M.B. in sexual contact to other people on Sept. 21)

If Guilty, jury proceeds to count 8; if Not Guilty, jury skips count 8 and proceeds to count 9

COUNT 8
2nd Degree Bias Intimidation
(For 3rd Degree Attempted Invasion of Privacy charge on Sept. 21)

• Invasion of Privacy, with the purpose to intimidate Tyler Clementi because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

• Invasion of Privacy, with the purpose to intimidate M.B. because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause Tyler Clementi to be intimidated because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

• Invasion of Privacy, knowing that the conduct constituting invasion of privacy would cause M.B. to be intimidated because of sexual orientation: ACQUITTED

• Invasion of Privacy, under circumstances that caused Tyler Clementi to be intimidated, and considering the manner in which the offense was committed, Clementi reasonably believed that he was selected to be the target of the offense because of sexual orientation: GUILTY

COUNT 9
4th Degree Tampering with Physical Evidence: GUILTY
(Deleted tweets relevant to police investigation)

COUNT 10
4th Degree Tampering with Physical Evidence: GUILTY
(Wrote and posted a false tweet)

COUNT 11
3rd Degree Hindering Apprehension or Prosecution: GUILTY
(Destroyed evidence relevant to investigation)

COUNT 12
3rd Degree Hindering Apprehension or Prosecution: GUILTY
(Prevented a witness from providing testimony)

COUNT 13
3rd Degree Hindering Apprehension or Prosecution: GUILTY
(Lied to police)

COUNT 14
3rd Degree Witness Tampering: GUILTY
(Tried to influence what Molly Wei told police)

COUNT 15
4th Degree Tampering with Physical Evidence: GUILTY
(Deleted text messages sent to and received from witnesses)

 

 

gay wedding planning for straight people

Some queers have chosen to boycott opposite-sex marriages in protest of discriminatory laws on who can legally marry in the United States. I agree with writer Charles Purdy that boycotting loved ones’ ceremonies is both selfish and ineffectual. Purdy writes that

using another person’s wedding as a soapbox for your political viewpoints is indeed tacky. It reeks of self-important grandstanding….[B]eing cruel is no way to bring anyone around to you point of view. (After all, that’s what the other side does with their constant slanderous, mean-spirited attacks on gay people as human beings.) We need to be strengthening alliances, not shredding them…. We have to stay engaged in dialogues with our friends and families — not hide in our rooms like sulky teens when we don’t get our way.

For politically engaged/enraged queers, I think the best course of action is to attend the straight wedding you were invited to, and to bring a queer date, and to get your gay on, visibly, publicly, and respectfully–after all, another couple’s wedding is not about you. A visible queer presence at a wedding can, however, get people thinking and talking about marriage equality.

Now: let’s say you’re an engaged opposite-sex couple, planning your legally sanctioned wedding. Let’s say you’re an engaged opposite-sex couple that believes, deeply, that marriage is a right that should not be limited based on bigoted beliefs about sexuality and morality. Here are some suggestions for planning your wedding!

  1. Choose to hold your ceremony in a locale that has legalized gay marriage. In doing this, you get to feel good about sending your wedding costs and your attendees’ tourist dollars to the coffers of a place that’s getting it right on marriage equality, AND you get to tell people “Yeah, we decided to make you all trek out to New York because it’s one of only a few states that’s doing the right thing on marriage equality.”
  2. State your position on marriage equality. I recently attended an opposite-sex wedding in which the officiant began the ceremony with a recognition that not all people–not even all the people in attendance at the wedding–had the rights being exercised by the engaged couple. It was cool like bow ties. (Though not everyone agrees; here’s a gay activist who equates this gesture to a white person joining a whites-only club and making a short statement of support for nonwhites.)
  3. Watch your language. The ceremony itself could crib from this gender-neutral ceremony script I just found, though I don’t see a point in removing all opposite-sex markers from a ceremony. I mean, if you and your partner use opposite-gender pronouns, then there’s no reason to act like it’s otherwise. You might also think about how to phrase your invitations and other wedding-oriented text to embrace a range of gender orientations and couple arrangements.
  4. Consider registering with an organization fighting for marriage equality. Here’s a link to the Human Rights Campaign’s wedding registry, which allows people to make donations in your honor to their efforts to legalize gay marriage.

 

 

 

what being a straight ally really means (part 3 of 3)

a multi-part series of posts about what straight allies can learn from Critical Whiteness Studies

As I wrote in part 1 of this series of posts, I’m taking a summer course called Critical Perspectives on Whiteness. I explained:

In addition to helping me start working through my own relationship to White privilege, Whiteness, and racism, this course is helping me think more deeply about the role of Straight privilege, Straightness, and heterosexism. Because I’m conditioned not to recognize so much of the privilege I receive as a white person, I’ve been finding it helpful to use my experiences as a gaylady and outsider to Straight privilege as a tool for trying to see White privilege. And that, in turn, helps me to think better about Straightness and Straight privilege.

The first part of this series focused on the dangers of turning the debate over gay marriage into the emblematic issue of the gay civil rights movement. The second part considers a second danger: “straight heroism.” This third and final part focused on anti-heterosexism as charity and discusses what to do / what not to do as a straight ally.

antiracism as charity / anti-heterosexism as charity

Hook adds a third danger: Antiracism as charitable act. He explains:

What I am referring to as ‘charitable’ instances of anti-racism do not result in a levelling of the playing field, in a necessary increase in the equality of society, but instead in the affirmation of a different order of privilege. They involve a trade-off: the declaration of a past racism – or admission of racialised privilege – is offered on condition that the speaker, the agent of the declaration, is able to claim the position of the redeemed subject, or gain something by way of liberal social capital.

There is a danger, he argues, in doing “humanitarian violence” through charitable antiracism: It turns the antiracist into the benefactor, the Other into the subservient recipient of charity. “We” must rescue “them” from “their” cruel lives.

Biko writes:

[White]liberals, leftists … are the people who argue that they are not responsible for white racism … these are the people who say that they have black souls wrapped up in white skins … They want to remain in the good books with both the black and the white worlds … They vacillate between the two worlds, verbalizing all the complaints of the blacks beautifully while skilfully extracting what suits them from the exclusive pool of white privileges … [The white liberal] claims complete identification with the blacks … [H]e moves around … white circles … with a lighter load, feeling that he is not like the rest of the others. Yet at the back of his mind is a constant reminder that he is quite comfortable as things stand.

I struggle to make peace with some of what I’ve seen from Straight allies because so much of allied behavior also smacks of charity. Being pro-gay–being a true ally–means being willing to give up Straight privilege that results in unfair and unequal distribution of resources and benefits. Pro-gay behavior that is not accompanied by an effort to redistribute unfairly distributed resources is behavior that does not work in the service of gay rights. I’m giving these clothes to charity because they don’t fit / they’re not fashionable / I want room for better clothes! What? Work to change the institutional forces that construct and maintain poverty? I just told you that I gave clothes to charity!

what not to do / what to do

Here’s what South African activist Andile Mngxitama has to say about what he wants from Whites:

for myself, as a black person, I don’t want:
(I) Acknowledgement of whites’ culpability
(2) Disclosure and remorse for what happened during colonialism and apartheid
(3) I wish for no dialogue
( 4) Whites owe me no apology or washing of feet
(5) Please, not another conference on racism
(6) No pledges confirming our collective humanity.

For myself, as a gay person, I don’t want:

(I) Straight allies claiming space on the public stage of gay civil rights when it comes at the loss of space on the stage for queers. If your words and actions are silencing gays, then you need to step aside.
(2) The suggestion that I might get farther if I tried to look a little more “mainstream” (read: straight). It makes you sound like you want me to “pass” as straight, which is something that I have chosen not to do.
(3) The suggestion that gay rights are better served by “mainstream” (read: straight-looking) queers and queer couples than by non-normative queers and queer couples. It makes you sound like you prefer your gays to be as straight as possible.
(4) To be asked my opinion on a gay rights issue by a straight ally, only to be interrupted and argued with before I’ve finished giving my opinion. If you really wanted to know my thoughts, you’d spend your time trying to understand and not trying to show why I’m wrong.

As a result of the readings and discussions I’ve had as part of my summer course on Whiteness, I am currently at a complete loss for how to proceed as a White antiracist. I’m confused and frustrated and anxious and sad–which, I think, is precisely how I should be feeling as I explore my own complicity in a system that unfairly benefits me through no effort of my own.

I have a hard time believing that my own uncertainty, indecision, and immobility are good things–until I think about what I want straight allies to feel about gay rights. As a straight ally, you should never feel certain or decisive about your position and role in the gay rights movement–for the movement to succeed, your role must be in flux, must always be conferred upon you by your queer peers. It’s only fair, then, that I feel the same anxiety about my role as a White ally that I want Straight allies to feel about their roles in the effort toward destabilizing and deconstructing heteronormativity and heterosexism.

what being a straight ally really means (part 2 of 3)

a multi-part series of posts about what straight allies can learn from Critical Whiteness Studies

As I wrote in part 1 of this series of posts, I’m taking a summer course called Critical Perspectives on Whiteness. I explained:

In addition to helping me start working through my own relationship to White privilege, Whiteness, and racism, this course is helping me think more deeply about the role of Straight privilege, Straightness, and heterosexism. Because I’m conditioned not to recognize so much of the privilege I receive as a white person, I’ve been finding it helpful to use my experiences as a gaylady and outsider to Straight privilege as a tool for trying to see White privilege. And that, in turn, helps me to think better about Straightness and Straight privilege.

The first part of this series focused on the dangers of turning the debate over gay marriage into the emblematic issue of the gay civil rights movement. This part considers a second danger: “straight heroism.”

white heroes / straight heroes

In defining “white heroism,” Lacanian psychologist Derek Hooks offers the example of Peter Gabriel performing ‘Biko,’ a song about the assassination of the Black South African anti-apartheid activist Steve Biko, at a Live Aid concert in the 1980s

before an audience of 25 million people. Despite the obvious political potential of such an act, it is difficult not to feel a slight sense of unease in watching this footage today, in an era where such political anthems are less in vogue. It seems harder now to deny that such a performance holds Gabriel himself up to the limelight, securing for the singer and his audience a kind of anti-racist social capital. One might adopt a psychoanalytic perspective here, by asking whether such a gesture, no matter how well-intentioned – and which certainly can be read as a laudable form of consciousness-raising – does not risk tipping over into an instance of ‘anti-racist narcissism’. We should not be blind to this possibility: that at the very moment in which one is fully immersed in publicly applauding the sacrifice, the heroism of an other one is simultaneously reaping the rewards of the attention thus called onto one’s self. Although he directs his comments at white South Africa, Chabani Manganyi’s (1973, p. 17) words nonetheless seem pertinent here: ‘liberalism can only be a form of narcissism – a form of white self-love’.

This is the rocky path of White Declarations, of public statements of antiracism that release a person from the responsibility to actually change behaviors, attitudes, or actions that maintain the (White) status quo. This is the joining of an MLK Day march, the writing of an antiracist letter to the editor of a local newspaper. This is the “I have a black friend” declaration, the “I have a gay friend,” the “I have a Muslim friend.”

Here's one way to be pro-gay without running the risk of having people actually think you're gay

Let’s go back to the rhetoric surrounding gay marriage for a minute. I’ve seen lots of public declarations from straight allies that go like this: I have gay friends who are in love and are happily married / who are in love and want to get married and I demand / request / suggest that you support their right to legally marry. Which is super and awesome but which risks ringing somehow false. Too often, those declarations seem a little too full of magnanimity, of I-am-open-minded-and-therefore-an-awesome-liberal, of pat-me-on-the-back-for-being-an-awesome-straight-person. This is another reason why gay marriage has become an emblematic issue: Because it’s an easy way for straight people to support gays without risking any loss of their own Straight privilege. This has even become an official part of the gay marriage rhetoric: Gay marriage helps straight marriages. Also, Glenn Beck is not threatened by gay marriage.

I believe in gay marriage precisely because I think it does threaten straight privilege. In my view, if gay marriage does not threaten straight privilege, then it’s not part of the solution. If it’s not part of the solution, it’s part of the problem.

The third and final part of this series of posts will be published on Sunday, June 5.

what being a straight ally really means (part 1 of 3)

a multi-part series of posts about what straight allies can learn from Critical Whiteness Studies

You know, I’m taking this summer course called Critical Perspectives on Whiteness. (If the field of Whiteness Studies is a new concept for you, I’ve got some resources! Here’s a Washington Post piece about proponents and opponents of Whiteness Studies courses in universities. Here’s sociologist Dalton Conley talking about race, Whiteness, and class. Here’s Peter Kolchin’s article on the field of Whiteness Studies.) It’s a good course. A fantastic course. Maybe the most important education course I’ve ever taken.

It’s also an incredibly difficult course, because the topic is unbelievably personal. How can anti-racist White educational researchers best support a smashing of Whiteness? How am I complicit in a system that confers onto me certain unearned “rights” and “privileges” that are denied to others?

In addition to helping me start working through my own relationship to White privilege, Whiteness, and racism, this course is helping me think more deeply about the role of Straight privilege, Straightness, and heterosexism. Because I’m conditioned not to recognize so much of the privilege I receive as a white person, I’ve been finding it helpful to use my experiences as a gaylady and outsider to Straight privilege as a tool for trying to see White privilege. And that, in turn, helps me to think better about Straightness and Straight privilege.

Using Derek Hook’s 2011 article “Retrieving Biko: a Black Consciousness critique of whiteness,” I’m going to talk through some of the issues that he argues white antiracists face in coming to terms with their own complicity in racism. Then I’m going to connect these issues to what I see as similar challenges for Straight anti-heterosexists. I hope to start a dialogue! About what it means to be a straight ally! Because we need allies, and we need allies whose behaviors, attitudes, words, and actions are pointed in a productive direction!

fetishizing Martin Luther King / fetishizing “straight” queers

Lacanian psychologist Derek Hook argues that anti-racist White folks are prone to holding up and identifying with a single Black figure–he gives the example of Martin Luther King, Jr.–as a hero while simultaneously removing anything threatening or scary about that person. Hook calls this “fetishizing,” which psychoanalysis defines as

a great investment in a certain object or person taken out of a disturbing context, and that is then memorialised, instituted in a way that enables us to forget, in a manner that protects us from a far more threatening situation. We can treat the ‘I have a dream’ refrain, much like Martin Luther King Day itself, as a fetish. That is, they are a way of proving that something is not so. They are a way of proving for white America that it is somehow not racist, that a line has been drawn between itself and its racist past.

Hook explains how we have scrubbed Martin Luther King and his famous speech clean of risk and threat:

King of course is responsible for some of the most famous words in US history: ‘I have a dream … ‘.The third Monday of each January in the USA is, furthermore, Martin Luther King Day, an extraordinary mark of commemoration. These remembrances of King stand in stark contrast to his declining popularity at the time of his death, to the oft-neglected fact of his radicalism in attacking the exploitative nature of racialised capitalism. What is my point here? In many instances the institutionalisation of such a heroic figure occurs as part of a strategy of amnesia. This is a memorialisation which works as a means of forgetting. We have a selective focusing in on an isolated element which enables a wiping-out of a far more disconcerting ensemble of surrounding elements. After all, as Slavoj Zizek (2009) asks, recounting the comments of Henry Taylor: how many people can recall what followed on in Martin Luther King’s most famous speech, what came after the words ‘I have a dream’ … ?

I’m not all that fond of Lacanian psychoanalytic theory, but I think Hook’s point is valid. It seems to me that fetishizing an iconic figure is aimage of Ryan White common–and often quite effective–way to simultaneously prove one’s tolerance for a non-dominant group and to refuse to deal with the aspects of that group that are scary, threatening, or dangerous. At the height of the HIV/AIDS crisis of the 1980s, Ryan White became the face of HIV/AIDS in America. Why? Because he was a white boy from suburban Indiana who had contracted HIV through a blood transfusion, not through intravenous drug use or unprotected sex. His story taught America that you can’t catch HIV by hugging an HIV+ person, or by petting a cat that an HIV+ person has petted, or by shaking hands with an HIV+ person. His story taught America that HIV/AIDS is not–as much as people would like to think it is–confined to gay men and drug addicts.

Which is super. But all this learning America was doing thanks to Ryan White didn’t change–maybe it even exacerbated–cultural attitudes and policies that put non-dominant (nonwhite, nonstraight, poor, undereducated) people at greater risk of contracting and dying from HIV/AIDS. Because, see, Ryan White was safe because it wasn’t his fault that he caught AIDS. Whereas those gay dudes, those black girls, those drug addicts–well, if they catch AIDS they were asking for it. Right? Right?

The current Big Issue of the gay civil rights movement is the issue of gay marriage. It is, no doubt, an important issue–but the fact that it has become the emblematic issue of gay rights is problematic, and the way it has been taking up by straight allies has a tendency to make me uncomfortable. The subtext of the rhetoric is dangerously close to “gay people should be allowed to marry because they fall in love just like we do. Do you ever see a transgendered person or couple being tossed up as the face of gay marriage? What about polyamorous queer couples? No? That’s because that’s an aspect of queerness that’s a little too threatening for many straight allies and potential allies.

The risk, of course, is that this gay marriage rhetoric may result in the legalization of gay marriage without actually serving the interests of the gay rights movement. Insofar as queers are judged by how well they align with the values of Straightness–monogamy, gender conformity, social and economic productivity, and so on–queers will never be able to fully measure up.

The second part of this three-part series of posts will be published on Saturday, June 4. The third part will be published on Sunday, June 5.

thoughts on Michael Griffin’s murder conviction

So Michael Griffin was convicted this week of murdering Don Belton. Griffin never denied killing Belton, which made for a speedy trial: All that was left was deciding whether the act was one of self-defense, manslaughter, or outright murder.

Griffin’s defense was that Don Belton had sexually assaulted him, twice, and then refused to admit to the rapes or apologize when Griffin confronted him a few days later. Griffin’s lawyer tried to convince the jury that his client pulled out the knife to protect himself during that confrontation, and that the stabbings were the result of Griffin acting out of fear and emotional pain.

The jury went with murder.

This case is about homophobia, masculinity, sexuality, and cultural norms about violence. It is to our great credit that the public discourse around this case neither shies from nor tries to sanitize these elements. Even the very first reports, as cautiously worded as they were, made it clear that sex was involved somehow. (See this article, typical of the language and details included in initial reports.) In what can only be viewed as a sea change in how we think about and represent gay men, most opinion pieces sided firmly against Griffin, dismissing Griffin’s “gay panic” defense as completely untenable. Here’s one representative example: Scott McLemee in Inside Higher Ed days after Belton’s death, analyzing the language of the affidavit and going on to speculate on the role “gay panic” would likely play in the trial:

According to a detective’s affidavit available online, he said that Belton had sexually assaulted him on Christmas. Two days later, he went to Belton’s apartment to have a “conversation” which turned into a “scuffle,” resulting in the professor’s death.

These words, which sound so mild, sit oddly in the narrative. The affidavit then goes on to say that Griffin stated “that he took a knife, called a ‘Peace Keeper’ that he had purchased prior to going to Iraq while in the Marine Corps, with him….” He also thought to bring a change of clothes. The bloody ones went into a white trash bag. Griffin “then went about and ran several errands,” the report continues, “before he eventually discarded the bloody clothing into a dumpster…. Mr. Griffin then returned home where he stated that he yold his girlfriend what he had done.”…

It is easy to speculate about what may have happened. In fact we do not know. But the circumstances track with a familiar pattern — one common enough to have a name: “the ‘gay panic’ defense.” This rests on the idea that the wave of disgust created in a heterosexual person at exposure to gay sexuality can create a state of temporary psychosis. The panic-stricken victim loses responsibility for his (for some reason, it always turns out to be “his”) actions.

This is an idea that should be retired to the Museum of Deranged Rationalization as soon as possible. But it seems far-fetched to imagine that Griffin and his counsel will get through trial without invoking it.

Cool. We’ve moved past the cultural setpoint that assumes that gay men are perverted sex fiends. Which is fantastic. Really, really fantastic And we’re moving past the era when “gay panic” would have been seen as a viable defense. (See Joseph Mitchell Parsons, 1987; Jonathan Schmitz, 1995; Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson, 1998; Joseph Biedermann, 2008; Vincent McGee, 2010.)

But–and here’s where it gets tricky–we’re not yet past the era of blaming the accuser in sexual assault cases. Take a look at these tidbits:

Scott McLemee explains that rape is not plausible since Michael Griffin was younger and stronger than Don Belton, thereby invoking the “if she didn’t fight back, it wasn’t rape” position: “Belton was 53 years old while the man charged in his death is 25. The idea that he could violate an ex-Marine (and not once but twice, according to his statement to the police during interrogation) would be funny if it were not so grotesque.”

Over at Ambling Along the Aqueduct, a writer named Josh (possibly Josh Lukin? not sure.) starts with the “if she didn’t fight back, it wasn’t rape” argument and builds in a “she didn’t call the police, so it wasn’t rape” defense and tosses in an “I know this man and he would never have done that” defense for good measure:

most (commenters responding to this issue online) suggest, credibly, that an itty-bitty professor who could not lift heavy objects probably did not assault the young veteran, and that if the guy believed at the time that he had been assaulted, he would have called the police or, if shame and pride prevented that, done violence to Don right then and there. Friends’ reports of the fact that Don hated being around boozers also help to challenge the rumor that the assault occurred when Griffin was incapacitated by heavy drink.

And from the comments section of the Bloomington Herald-Times, in the days immediately following Belton’s death:

I’m thinking that if I were attacked once and didn’t like it, I don’t think I’d allow it to happen a second time. There are plenty of options. The easiest and most effective would be to not go near the person who attacked me the first time. Get in the car, drive to another location maybe?

If you pet a dog, and the dog bites you, do you try and pet it a second time? I don’t. (Wednesday, December 30, 2009: 7:30 am)

Here is a theory, in light of Belton’s journal entry about “a wonderful individual who has come into my life named Michael”)… A young, macho, ex-Marine experiences sexual attraction to another man and it leaves him feeling anxious, ashamed, angry and ultimately, tragically, homicidal. (Wednesday, December 30, 2009: 8:16 am)

I did not know this professor nor do I need to know him to conclude an opinion on this matter but what I do know is this…in my short 29 years on this earth I have come to learn that it really does not matter what this man’s race is or that his smile does not look like your’s or mine or that he was an openly gay man or not! What does matter is this….He was MURDERED!!!….This was an accomplished man, a man who used his time to read and write and not only educate himself but also others. He wasn’t a bum, he didn’t stand on the side of the road asking for a handout and he certainly did not deserve to be murdered!!! (Wednesday, December 30, 2009: 8:43 am)

Why did the girlfriend leave town? If she witnessed the event and it was rape, why did they not report it? They were coherent enough to remember, but not sober enough to fight off his attacker? Something does not add up. Other than the accused, everyone who knew Professor Belton seemed to find him a gentle, caring man. It is very hard to believe they were all so wrong about him. (Wednesday, December 30, 2009: 11:54 pm)

and here’s one in the gap between the trial and Michael Griffin’s conviction:

Just to clarify: no rape was ever reported to the police, nor was there any physical or medical evidence that a rape occurred. The defendant never reported such a crime, nor die he ask to be examined. We have only the defendant’s word that the sex he engaged in was non-consensual, and, now according to his testimony (which differs from the statements he gave to police), his recollection is so fuzzy, his girlfriend had to tell him something happened. In any case, the very next day, following what he is now describing as a sexual assault, the defendant and his girlfriend made love 5 times, while “processing” the events of the night before. There are so many contradictions in this sad story that it does break your heart. But Don Belton is the victim here, and cannot speak to defend his reputation. This is why those who knew him well came to testify to his nonviolent character. That is his “reputation.” In this country, it’s very simple. We don’t take the law into our own hands. While Michael Griffin deserves our pity for his troubled nature, he is not above the law. (Thursday, April 14, 2011: 1:04 pm)

Though here’s a nice, even-handed analysis from someone by the username of Gonzo:

[T]hose who argue that due to the size of Griffin he COULD not have been raped by the smaller man are engaging in a double standard as well. I would LOVE to hear one of them argue that a smaller man could not rape a woman who weighed 50 or 60 pounds more than them. That is saying that a woman has to forcefully resist a man’s advances with every possible amount of strength and any weapon at hand or it’s not rape. That’ thankfully, is NOT the law.

I believe that a woman had a right to say NO at any point and that once that is said further sexual action constitutes rape. Griffin, according to testimony anyway, rebuffed Belton three times. In Indiana physically pushing away or moving away from someone making sexual advances IS considered the same as saying “No” out loud.

Furthermore, saying a “6 foot tall 220 pound Marine” conjures up a significantly different image than what you get from seeing Griffin speak in person, as I saw yesterday.

Mr. Griffin killed Mr. Belton. He gave convincing and emotional testimony yesterday that his actions weren’t premeditated but that’s up to the jury , and that’s always a toss up. (Thursday, April 14, 2011: 3:12 pm)

Gonzo further writes:

I also feel Belton SHOULD be alive, there is no doubt in my mind that Griffin SHOULD (and will) go to prison. I also understand the concept that it is unfair that Belton can’t defend himself against allegations of rape.

But I am concerned there is a serious double standard at play though that does not alleviate the responsibility of Griffin for this homicide whether it is murder or manslaughter.

The double standard I see is this: If Belton as a 50 some year old man had befriended a woman in her mid-twenties who had serious emotional issues and events had unfolded in the same way, the woman in question would have the sympathy of a lot more people than Griffin does.

I do not know if it was murder or manslaughter. I do NOT believe that the rape, if it occurred, justified homicide in any way. All I can say is that what I was able to see of the trial was mostly Griffin’s testimony and all the folks on here saying he’s an evil manipulative bad ass seem to be talking about someone else than the person 50 or so people, including the jury, saw testify.

So, my bottom line is this; these events and this trial, no matter what the outcome, will not result in any form of ‘justice.’ Those on here crowing about Griffin’s innocence because he ‘was raped’ are doing so because of their prejudices for certain, but a lot of people have decided they know what happened and they don’t really have a clue, they are basing their judgments on their own preconceived notions as well. (Thursday, April 14, 2011: 10:25 pm)

Really, I couldn’t have said it better myself. So I won’t bother to try.

I will only add that this case, and the public discourse surrounding it, has left me feeling deeply conflicted and uneasy. As a queer feminist lady-type, as a social liberal, as a human being who cares about human beings, I’m sad and disappointed and dismayed by how easily members of “my” communities have slipped into the friend/enemy rhetoric that works against “us” far more frequently than it works in “our” favor.